Reflections on 36 Years of Life Lived

October 18, 2016

 

Yesterday was my birthday. It was perfect. My sweet Mama sent me this picture :: mini-me & my great grandma. If there was ever any doubt about who Freddie looks like...

 

Birthdays typically aren't a big deal to me. They come. They go. I often tuck myself away off grid to tune in to myself, nature and Spirit. This one was different. I'm here in Venice. In the flow of life. Nothing stopping. Life continually churning, evolving. I woke up hearing my almost two year old boy counting in his sleep beside me in bed "4... 5... 6... 7... 8..." and the sound & smell of rain. I've been praying for the water daily. We've had less then 60 inches of rain here in LA this year, so it truly is such a gift. The power was out for most of the day which was kind of like being off grid. I taught my classes. It could have been easy to say no to my private clients or find subs for my classes, but I didn't because I LOVE the work that I GET to I do and forever fall in love with those who are choosing to commit to their own healing + awakening. Teaching / guiding tunes me in and connects me to something so much Bigger than myself. It helps me to empty and listen. So does hanging with my kid. I no longer feel like I have to run away to find myself, I am right here, now. In all ways. 

 

I feel a deep sense of renewal this year. Something has changed inside. 

 

Renewed focus, drive, personal commitments. A renewed sense of what is important in my life, consciously choosing where to invest my energy and attention. I don't have as much room for bullshit or my bad habits or people who I feel shitty around. There's an internal grounding that is steady and unwavering. 

 

It might be partially due to making it through the first two years of motherhood. A hard and hazy, massive recalibration of existence which, if I'm honest, is only now starting to make sense and find a rhythm after a long trek through rough terrain. 

 

It might be because this is my Jupiter year, a year of learning, expansion and evolution ~ if I do the work, which I am. 

 

It might be in part due to the wisdom that comes with experience and age. Thirty-seven years on this earth ~~ 37!! Almost a decade of teaching yoga, 15+ years of study & practice. Only now I am now starting to recognize what I couldn't see before when people said there is no greater teacher than experience and experience takes time. In hindsight, I see myself as a younger teacher in a similar patter of a young kid who hates being told that they'll understand when they are older. My determined, yet perfectly naive Self stomped her foot and said 'I want to know now! And I will!'  What I couldn't see is that heartbreak and challenges must be felt and traveled through to know and open the compassionate heart. Mistakes have to be made for growth. Hours have to be put in for exposure. I've steeped in the practice and let it work on me, help me, humble me, heal me. I've tried to turn my back on her and she patiently waits for my return. I've cried many tears on my mat and allowed the practice to take many forms. Only in time have I've earned my own respect. I trust myself now. Finally. Yoga, meditation & yoga nidra have altered the state of my internal mind space, they have matured me, challenged me and loved me. I've gotten out of my own way to allow the practice to move through me instead of thinking it comes from me. Now the work can begin again with new flavours. 

 

I have a renewed sense of reverence and motivation to keep going and really listen to & respect the ones that have walked before me. Imagine if I stay on course? Where I will be in ten years from now?!? Woah! The possibilities! It is mind boggling and exciting.

 

I now see how time will turn these moments that seem so monumental into memories too. Makes me want to slow it all down and savour it longer. 

 

Now, I no longer feel like I HAVE to do everything, nor do I WANT to. "Less is more" is a truly embodied and understood statement now. However, it is more relevant to my internal state than my external state. This year, I am in a Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training. I am still working on my book {slowly and surely}, teaching sixteen-ish classes a week, planning + running retreats and building toward leading a 200 YTT in Venice from April - August and my coming up 300 hour YTT in Croatia in Sept / Oct 2017. Something fresh is coming through. It's time. I am obsessed with Yoga Nidra and Astrology. 

 

Oh. And I am a wife and a Mama, the most important job of my life. 


It's all kinds of fucking insane actually, but every single thing that I am putting my attention into I LOVE so not one aspect of this existence feels like work. 


Plus, I have finally got this whole saying 'no' thing mastered without a drop of guilt. 

 

Oh dear sweet 36: You were a rough one, one of the roughest on the books, but we made it and I can only imagine how much karma I cleared through all that suffering. For that, I thank you. You reminded me that it's because I suffer that I can even teach and only because of my determination to heal. You taught me not to be attached to how I am perceived, because they will perceive what they want to see or are conditioned to see, often playing out their own projections & wounds and that has nothing to do with me anyway. You taught me again, that if I'm triggered, it's my wound to heal, not theirs and it likely has nothing to do with them. We are all mirrors for each other playing out a big stack of karmic contracts, clearing and accumulating. Cleaning and accumulating. You taught me to forgive and that it is okay to forgive and in some cases to consciously choose space and allow things to naturally come to an end. You taught me to let go. You taught me to trust myself. You taught me to get fierce and take no shit when it's needed and at the same time you taught me to let things in so deeply that subconscious wounds can be seen and heal. It's been such a HUGE internal revolution.

 

May this be a year of clarity, growth and ease. May my self discipline be steady and full of kindness. May there be many moments of silence, with room to listen to my inner guidance and lots of time to write. May there be an evolution of perception that further frees me from my limiting beliefs and lands me deeper into the seat of my softest, powerful, essential self. May this work connect me more directly to Spirit. May my message as a teacher crystallize and clarify and be expansive for both myself and anyone who chooses to stand on their mat or sit on their cushion with me. May I be guided to the Highest teachings of our time, ancient, yet contemporary & evolutionary. May I be the best Mother I can be. May my child thrive. May my relationship with Mark be filled with peace & mutual respect and take on the form that best serves us all. May my family be healthy. May all my close relationships be enriching in many different ways. May I exist in the kind of abundance that allows my work to flow freely from a place of Loving Service and never from needing anything. May there be much room for fun and play in each and every day. May I serve. May I love unconditionally. May the thoughts, words and actions coming to me and through me make a difference in this world. May I THRIVE.

 

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